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5 Signs That You Might Be Dating a Zombie Who Might Zombie Apocalapyse Your A**
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You’d pretty much have to live under a rock to not realize that the Zombie Apocalypse is upon us. From crazy ninjas eating homeless guys faces to random Black college students eating hearts, etc…one thing is for sure.
Black folks are TOTALLY taking over the crime market previously labeled as “Whites Only”.
Seriously, what is really going on these days. Obviously there are some mental health issues at play but do you realize HOW f*cked up you have to be in order to partake in cannibalism. In 2024? You can buy a 20-piece of chicken nuggets for like $4.99. The point is that you don’t need to eat other people. The rent may be too damn high but unhealthy foodstuffs are cheap as hell. Eating somebody’s heart or face just doesn’t seem necessary. At all. Unless you’re f*cked the f*ck up.
Moving on. Well, with this Zombie Apocalypse upon us, it is important to start looking for the signs. One day your best friend is cool as a fan, gat in hand, and then the next day this mofo is nibbling on your finger reaching for the Tabasco or Texas Pete. Now imagine if you’re out here dating in these streets!!!!! You JUST might end up dating a motherloving zombie. Now a stone cold non-killer like myself believes that Ace of Base had it right when they started sawing the signs. That’s because just like neon and STOP…signs exist.
So let’s take a look at 5 signs that the person you’re dating just might be a zombie (and thus you should probably cuz that relationship short).
1. They spend too much time examining and appreciating your physical features
One person sees appreciation, but think about it like a zombie? If I’m a zombie, I’m looking at you for the whitemeats, thighmeats, goodmeats, etc. What if I’m a fingerloving zombie? And I really admire your fingers. I’m just saying, anybody spending too much time appreciating certain features might be on that zombie sh*t.
2. They’re Boston Celtics fans
Two words: Marquise. Daniels.
3. They keep showing up announced
Aside from just being straight up stalkeresque, I feel like anybody who constantly shows up unannounced just might kill you. But since they are already f*cked up, there’s a good chance they just might try to eat your face. There could be a pun in there but I’m too lazy to find it and its 11:56pm right now and I’m not even halfway through this sh*t because I keep watching replays of the Wade missing that damn 3. Sure he had a good look and sure you can’t ask for a better shot than that, but WHY THE HELL CAN’T THE HEAT HIT FREE THROWS??
What was I talking about again? Ah yes…zombies. And dating.
4. When they write you love letters or texts – it is 2012 afterall – they tell you that they can’t picture life without you
While that absolutely sounds like the sweetest thing Lauryn Hill has ever known (SUMMER JAM…go Nas) just think about that for a second. If somebody determines that they no longer want to be with you…and you have already determined that you cannot live without that person…wouldn’t that effectively kill you? Yes. And if you are dead and come back into the game on some zombieing sh*t, wouldn’t you THEN go eat the heart and calf of the person who kilt you dead?
See also: P.M. Dawn – I’d Die Without You and Robin Thicke – Lost Without You
5. They always want to take you to Brazilian steak houses or places that serve inordinate amounts of meat
And yes, if your boo ONLY eats MeatLovers pizzas and isn’t being ironic, then there’s a good chance that you’re dating somebody who might go full zombie on you at some point. They’ve already got an affinity for meat. Or one of those places that services bacon-wrapped, pork chopped wrapped, steak with sausage balls in the middle. Yeah. that motherlover is already on that flesh sh*t. And you know what you have? Flesh. And do you know what motherlovers on that flesh sh*t do? Go zombie. Word to big bird.
Well that’s 5 signs to look out for. What else do you have? This is VERY IMPORTANT right now. With zombies out here going all hipster on us, we need all of the help we can muster. And um, what the f*ck up is up with the zombie apocalypse anyway? What do you think is really going on in these streets??
